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Nov. 25th, 2009

(no subject)

I think I want to start drawing again.

I used to be quite good. I don't know why I stopped. I guess in the absence of an art class and the stresses of University, my unconscious love for drawing fizzled away.

If only I had my supplies with me :(

Living in Spain is so surreal. Especially since I'm living in a residence. I did, however, find an apartment for next term which is quite exciting. I'll have people to watch over me so I'll be less likely to B/P. Right now I have my own bathroom and bedroom which makes me careless. And to be even more tempting, I received a package from my family including lots of chocolate........ I ended up eating A LOT of it, but did manage to get a grip and pawned the rest off on my friends.

I'm going to see if I can fast tomorrow to get some gunk out of my system.

We'll see how that goes...... I'll probably just end up bingeing.

Nov. 18th, 2009

(no subject)

A person's normal reaction when they haven't performed is action - it's stimulation. Motivation.

How come I'm the opposite? If I've gotten a bad mark back in school, i contribute nothing to improving my grades; If I've compared my body to another, I mope and binge. Instead of hitting the books, or the gym, I choose to guilt and sulk.

Curious.....

Wow. I sound so shallow and pretentious. It sickens me.

Nov. 8th, 2009

(no subject)

So, just to get this straight, I'm drunk right now. I know it has been over six months, but this isn't just a whim. I've been thinking about writing again for quite a while. It's just I had nothing to write about.

It's eight AM. Only just got back from the bars. Ended up walking home by myself. You'd think it would be a little scary in Europe (I moved to Spain, btw. I don't expect anyone to read this anyways, but yes. I finally got away from home!). But in all honesty, I'm completely comfortable with the city, especially when it's already light out! But back to topic: What intiatiated this LJ post? I know it sounds stupid, but the skinny euro bitches, that's what. I've gotten so off track lately and I've blown up. I feel fat. I look fat. And I don't feel at all comfortable in my skin. And don't tell me that female pressure isn't the reason half of these girls result to poor eating habits and ED's.

So as of now, I am back on track. My goal is to eat in the Caf residence during lunch time. Other meals, I'll have a quick snack of fruit or something similar. I have a disgusting addiction  to food that Has To Go.

On my way home this morning, I considered telling my best friend. Thinking about that now, that would most likely just cause me more hassle than help. I'll make a deal: In two weeks, if I haven't gotten some sort of control over my eating habits, I will look for help. Maybe not telling every detail (I don't want to get dragged home), but enough to get support.

If anyone out there wants to give me support, please do. I'm desperate for some friends and some people who understand. I've tried eating regularly, but every time I touch food, I binge. Then purge. I'm so ashamed......

Mar. 14th, 2009

(no subject)

I have to get rid of this all-or-nothing attitude.

Today I promised myself that I wouldn't overeat/binge today. So I only drank liquids allllll day up until 12am. When I binged on some doughnuts and pringles left over from a previous binge. And I could only purge up... maybe a few doughnuts (?) before my body had had way too much.  I set myself up for failure. This is going to make me feel like shit for the weekend.

Dear body,

I try to love you but my mind keeps fucking up this relationship.

Apologies,

S---------

Mar. 13th, 2009

(no subject)

I have been bingeing every day for a longgggg time now and it's starting to worry me. Today I was bingeing on some doughnuts and pringles and when I started purging, I could get any of it up, or find the tolerence to keep trying. Now I can feel it floating around in my stomach... absorbing... converting to either my ass or my thighs as we speak. And to make things even better, I took some laxatives (for the first time). I reluctantly did it and it scares me so much that I did. However I feel like a failure even in this because they turned out to be OVERNIGHT laxatives, which mean they won't kick in for a good 6-12 HOURS... So I resulted to doing something that could potentially turn into a dangerous habit all for the sake of getting "it" all out, and I fuck it up.

Why did I do this? I know how bad this is for one to do under these circumstances, especially with my excessively addicting personality. I'm telling myself just this once that it was okay and that tomorrow I'm going to take control over my eating habits, stop bingeing and live decently. But I'm seriously afraid that I will binge tomorrow and take more laxatives again. I don't want to do these things, but I do them anyway. Even after reading time and time again about the danger of laxatives I go and take them. WHAT IS WRONG WITH MEEEEE?!?!?!

Now I can't get to sleep for the fear that the laxatives will go into effect while I'm sleeping. Perfect. Looks like no classes tomorrow...

Mar. 8th, 2009

Looking inward.

Its funny. I don't post for a month, then all of a sudden, I'm posting twice a day???

I think I've had a spell of self-understanding, figuring out why I do the things I do. Why I eat until I can't breathe, why I procrastinate my studies, why I veer away from intimacy... I think I have a subconscious addiction to self disdain. I do what I believe I'm not supposed to do, or what my mind says I should do:

Although I'm not hungry, I eat and I eat even though I don't care for the taste of the food and feel disgusted with myself. I compensate with purging.
When I should be doing a homework, I do everything but, even though I'm still bored.
Whenever I get close to someone, I point out every insignificant flaw until I convince myself I don't like them. I want them, until I have them.

I mentally (and physically) punish myself for every little thing I do wrong. I'm stressed in every aspect of my life. I'm so involved in school and extra-curriculars (I've been nominated at my university as an "amazing student" and they're doing a write-up on me in the University newspaper) that I've taken more than I can handle. People have said I'm  "going places," and I know I should be proud, but I am going to crash. I do use eating as a way to relax and yet I find it obligating to throw it all up because of a fear that I will never be succesful in the body I have. I don't consider myself addicted to purging. I don't even know if I can be considered bulimic. However, I seek the guilt in everything, including eating, and see  an obligation to make up for my "slips".

I'm lonely.

And another thing: The guy I have just a littlleeeee crush on has an ex-girlfriend who was also bulimic. She used to be a good friend of mine, however she started to rebel a few years back and we drifted apart. She it now Very skinny, almost sickly, yet I truly feel like I cannot compete with someone so... "successful" in what they've become (Such an awful word to use and I resent the idea of encouraging another person's ED, even if it's unbeknownst to them). I even use her as an inspiration, which I find so, so sad. This is what I mean when I say I do things I feel I shouldn't say or do.

(no subject)

Do you ever get the urge to bitch and moan about the lame, teenaged, high school shit that you were glad had been over with?

I have that right now. I want to complain about boys and crushes, those random feelings of sadness, b/ping, school, life...

And the sad thing is, I really don't have that much to be upset about. I guess everyone needs a good cry. But right now, I just want to talk to someone. To tell them all of my feelings, everything that I'm afraid to say out loud, not even the ED stuff, but general girl stuff. You know when you just want someone to ask, "how are you feeling?" I just wish I had an irl friend to talk  to about EVERYTHING.

And i just binged on trail mix, which I can't get up. Awesome...

I'm always the friend people come to, but how come I have no one to go to?

Feb. 8th, 2009

Wow, guys are douchebags...

I have never come across someone so outlandishly rude in my life.

I have been kind of on the go with someone for that past month, on and off. He intimidates me so I have been somewhat hesitant in getting involved. First off, him and I are completely different culturally, ethnically, and physically. He's from Nigeria, I'm the whitest girl you'll find in Canada. You can see through my wrists. He grew up in NYC, I was raised in a pretty isolated Canadian community. He is really tall and jacked, I'm decently tall, but nothing compared to him. He is also 21, I'm 18.

Anyways, this guy was in a few of my classes last term, ran into him downtown, we made out for a while. Exchanged numbers, and so on.
So it had been like two weeks since we talked, and he was talking about valentine's day and all this shit before (which kinda freaked me out a little) so I txt'd him and asked what was going on between us cause it had been a good 4 or 5 weeks.


Anyways, this is what he txt's back to me:

But you are the one slowing the process down. Act mature and different this time. Not like last time when you screwed everything up. I expect more from you this time.

What. The. Fuck. I've never had anyone speak like that to me. So, I told him that I don't take that shit and I'm out. He started call me immature, said I was such a kid, that I should get some manners, that I don't know "jack" cause I've never lived outside of Canada.

All in all, I am so glad I did not get involved with that. He would probably beat me.



Where is the chivalry gone, boys? Someone, please, help me understand.

Not even Dr. Phil can clear this one up...

Feb. 7th, 2009

Awesome Night...

So stumbling home at 2 in the morning, stoned and drunk, is not good.

I went straight to the fucking kitchen and made myself a HUGE banana, peanut butter and honey sandwich and cracked open a bag of nachos...
And went to bed.

I was too baked to even purge! I fucking binged and now its floating in my body. I will not binge today. I will not eat until my Nan's 90th birthday supper. And I will NOT overeat! I will go for a good 40 mins on the elliptical and study my fucking ass off for Spanish.

Jesus Christ why can't my eating habits be normal.

-xo

Feb. 6th, 2009

Virgin

Hello all,

So this is my introduction, my first time ever to write an entry on LJ or on any site for that matter.

My reason for joining the blogging world so late, so behind the times was because of my reluctance to "conform." I know, laugh, I'm that kind of person. I'm the girl who refuses to admit she likes BSpears (even just a little), likes to eat McDonald's (even though I rarely do), and pretends that she is completely fine with her body image (even though she hates herself inside).

Its interesting how people can separate their personal life from the outside. In my case, I am considered one of the confident girls in my group of friends. The girl who encourages everyone else - the brutally honest, yet understanding friend. No one knows, not even my friend of 17 years, knows that I have eating problems.

I don't like to use the words "eating disorder" just yet, only because I don't want to diagnose myself, or don't really know how to. I like to be politically correct. I know there are a lot more people who have much bigger issues than I have, so I don't want to label myself as "bulimic", or what have you, then someone say "only a few months?! You have no idea..." I consider myself to have body dysmorphic problems. I have never, ever been happy with my body. I know, most females are never satisfied. But I know that I am not that big. I know it. And I still look in the mirror and feel disgusted with myself.

7 months ago I was on yet another binge (I have been an overeater pretty much all my life. I'll eat until I can't move). I ate so much a started to get severe cramps. I forced myself to throw up. That was probably one of the scariest moments of my life, and I cried. Now I b/p. I hate the fact that I have to result to purging instead of being able to control my eating habits. It kills me that I have no self control...

I'm really trying to change, get a wrap on my habits, be able to eat a decent amount of food per day without giving into cravings. I find live journal really helps for (th)inspiration.

-xo